i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
