i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
