when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm passing your future prison.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
