Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just want to make out with him forever
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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