Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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