your parents love me but you hate me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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