So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
