You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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