I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been