Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
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He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
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Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.