Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
