Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
