it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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