I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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