you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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