I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
