I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
These tits shall not be calmed
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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