Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
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The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
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I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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