i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
