i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
