It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
