Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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