Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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