how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.