We won't sleep together?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
