I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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