Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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