he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
