i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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