mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
