Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
