this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
