Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I wear drunk well.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
