And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
