3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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