she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
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all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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