phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
