I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
