turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
a search helicopter?!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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