I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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