You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
