You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
