i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
