Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
