Your face is a jimmy john
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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