I think I won the penis lottery.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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