Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
