yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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