He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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