Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
