Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
