atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
