if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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