Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
