Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
