dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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